The most honest and private post I will probably ever write about myself.

I am an incredibly private person, so this is hard for me to put out on the internet. I just feel like I am supposed to, so here it goes...


It's no secret that I have gained an insane amount of weight after having my kids. It is something I am currently trying to change about myself. I am not getting healthy so I can be the skinniest mom at the park. I just don't want to be the mom who can't chase her kids, because her gut keeps hitting her knees when she tries to run. I paint a pretty picture, don't I? I know that if I don't do something now, it will only get worse.

I am a person who has always loved fitness, sports, and exercise, but I have also been a little chubby. Even at my healthiest, I was at a healthy weight and was exercising twice a day, I had a certain roundness to me. I also really love food. I would definitely say that I have a tendency to overeat and make poor food choices. It's something I have to keep in check and under control. Not using food as a crutch is something that I am having to relearn and work on daily. 

Being someone who had struggled with my weight my entire life, I have also struggled with a horrendous view of myself. There have been times when I have looked at myself and literally hated what I see. It didn't matter what the scale, my pant size, or the bmi chart said. I could be incredibly healthy, and I would still see myself as an ugly, fat, disgusting blob. Because I deal with such a terrible self image, I am usually incredibly hurt by other people's suggestions and comments about my body/ "weight loss journey" (I hate that cheesy term, but you know what I mean). 

I have never really understood why people feel the need to inject their opinions about my body or my weight issues into conversations. When I was in high school, I was quite healthy, and I was actually starting to feel okay about my body. Then someone would make a comment like "well, you still have a ways to go, but you are really starting to look good!" Wait a minute. Still have a ways to go? That must mean I look like rising dough getting stuffed into a pair of too-small old navy jeans every day. People must be sickened by the sight of me. How could I ever think I was even close to my goal? I would work out even more and hate myself every time I ate something.

Another thing I cannot understand is when people give beyond obvious advice. "Why don't you just try eating less?" Oh really?  Is it that easy? You mean I can just stop  eating so much, and I'll start losing weight? For some people, it is not that easy.  As I mentioned earlier, food is more than just an energy source for me (and many other people). I am learning new ways to comfort myself and new things to do when I bored, so I don't have to rely on eating all the time. I have never been anorexic or bulimic , but I have always had a love-hate relationship with food. I love eating it, but hate myself for eating it. This is not the kind of example I want to set for my children.

Basically, I am trying to change for the better. I want to feel better, look better, and be a better example for my family. It's not going to be easy, and things aren't going to automatically change. I understand that. Don't worry. I am not going to go on some extreme diet, or even completely cut out any foods. I am just going to make better food choices and exercise regularly (at least three to five times a week). I am just ready to be healthier overall, and not be ashamed of myself anymore. I have worked very hard to make sure there is very photographic evidence of what I look like over the pst few years. In fact, I cringed every time a friend would do the ice bucket challenge, because I was worried I might get nominated. I didn't want to have to put up a video and show people I haven't seen in a while how far I let myself go. No more! I am going to stop being ashamed of myself and my body. It's mine, and I cannot hate myself anymore. Even if I do not lose a pound, I have to learn to that my body is not something to be hated, but loved. It literally breaks my heart to think that one day my beautiful daughter might look at herself with the same hatred and disgust that I have looked at myself with my entire life. I am going to do everything in my power to make sure that I set a better example of how to view and talk about yourself, because kids learn everything from us.

Anyway, it felt really good to write this and get it off my chest. I am sure as soon as I publish it, I will regret it, but I am not going to delete it. Someone else out there might need to read this even more than I needed to type it.

Chyan